Dear freshmens: Orientation 101

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First and foremost, I would like to congratulate you upon making it to Uganda’s prestigious boona ba ssome university that is, Makerere.
1. Makerere is nothing like those universities you see on the television (as you will eventually come to realise) but never the less, it is an amazing place.

2. Please leave your slang and high school short hand those ends. Where is ‘those ends’ you ask? You know when you get hold of a map of the solar system? From earth one goes to Mars, Venus, Saturn, and finally Pluto. ‘Those ends’ is way after Pluto, but let’s just say it is at the end of the solar system. Get the picture?

3. Private students, remember the endless lines you made and stood in when applying for a course at the senate building? Well, prepare to stand in more lines. Era invest some money in a hat, some sunscreen and some nice sunglasses.

4. Are you offering law, architecture or medicine (especially law though)? Please carry your metal suitcase (yes, the one you used in form 6) along with you. You will need it to keep and lock up your life as you will not be having one in the four/ five years you will be at uni.

5. It is a real shame that you government sponsored students will not be getting any faculty allowance. Now the only time some of you will ever ‘taste’ free government money is when you get a job in the government and have to swindle public funds.

6. University is a place for making memories so go on, get drunk. Give rubs. Spend the night in bars. Take selfies. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Fall in between love. Puncture the tires of the lecturer who gave you a retake. Run the naked mile.

7. Makerere University is a place for intellectuals? Hahahahahaha *looks right* *looks left* *looks right again* hahhahahahaha. You and your thoughts are so funny bruh. Makerere is a place for bafere who only fill the library in exam week and the likes, and we welcome you.

8. Strikes? Strikes may be fun, but do you know what’s not? Doing exams during the festive season. TRUST ME!

Don't do this, especially in first sem.

Don’t do this, especially in first sem.

9. Please prepare yourselves to be frustrated by things such as few internet ports at your college or department and wifi which as if does not work. Also be ready for lecturers who do not come during the first two months of the semester and pack you with assignments, coursework, research work and tests in the last two weeks of the semester right before exams.

10. Some of you are only here (at Makerere) because you failed to get into a university outside countries. Please, let that not stop you from dressing like a ‘summer’ or acting like one. Many of the girls at varsity are and try to be fashion forward. Trends come and go, which is the general characteristic of the fashion industry. Last semester the uniform was chiffon and oxfords. I do not know what the world of fashion has in store for us this semester, but please be prepared and get with it.

11. Abstain from coitus. When a ‘dirty thought’ creeps into your mind, run to the chapel and spend 3 hours praying for strength. An HIV free generation is possible. It begins with you.

Say no to coitus

Say no to coitus

12. If that fails (probably will), please use condoms. Babies as you all know can either be bought from the super katale or made in other ways such as engaging in coitus or the way Jesus was conceived. Forget this morning after pill nonsense (please use it during emergencies), AIDS is real.

13. Go for prayers. Go to the mosque. Go to church. Go to the temple. Go to wherever your cult meets up every week. You are not too cool for the supernatural bruh.

14. Study hard. It is not cool to have bad grades. It just isn’t.

15. ‘Campus ninjas’ is the coolest blog on campus. Read it. Subscribe to it if you must.

NEWS ROUND UP

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News round up

I am pretty sure that most of you dedicated readers out there, have noticed that Campus Ninjas has been dormant for a very long time now. I am also pretty sure that many of you have given up on us and included us on the list of ‘Disappointments mu life eno’ right below your recent ex-boy/ girlfriend, because just like them, we walked away without a valid explanation and a goodbye note. Well, we are back now, without an explanation but with an apology. On behalf of the team here at Campus Ninjas, I would like to apologize for our laziness. I would also like to apologize for wasting your time and MBs every time you checked the site and found no new material.

Sooooooo the university has had a lot of things going on. Here is last month’s news round up.

There is a newly formed association in Makerere University called the Makerere University Hostel Shuttle Drivers association (MUHDA). This association is comprised of male drivers, from the different hostels in uptown & downtown Kikoni, as well as other areas. These drivers sit in a group on the grass adjacent to their parked shuttles discussing issues which range from their horrible (or not) bosses, comparison of salaries, who drives a bigger shuttles and other things. The president of the association I assume is the driver of the shuttle of the most powerful hostel, in this case being Olympia Hostel.

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While majority of the students were focusing on the election drama and madness, I hope some you took the time to notice that many trees have been cut down around campus. This action has very terrible implications for our fellow campusers- the marabou storks, who will no longer be able to bless us with their droppings. It really is a tough world.

Elections in Makerere University have finally come to an end. We witnessed history being made, saw losers ,winners, cheats (byona) and finally . I managed to compile a short quiz about the electoral period/ season on campus.

1. What do you think Ivan Bwowe does during his free time?

a)      He plays duu-luu.

b)      He keeps up with the Kardashians.

c)       He thinks about 1000 ways to befriend Mr. Ddumba Ssentamu

d)      He sleeps. All he wants is some peace and quiet.

2. Why do you think Ivan Bwowe won the Makerere University guild presidential race, despite having limited funds and running as an independent candidate?

a)      Because of his perfect teeth.

b)      Because of his soft hands ( I wonder if he uses hand lotion)

c)       Because nothing is impossible if one is wearing a fitting suit.

d)      Because he got the majority vote.

3. What will you really miss about the election period in MUK?

a)      The logistics

b)      The madness

c)       Aseru Sara’s kadodi music

d)      Nothing

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4. Briefly explain the following terms/ phrases as used by the Makerere university students.

a)      Zoyeeeeeeeee

b)      Zeeeeeee

c)       Ra! Cha! Na! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

d)      WeWeeee

5. ‘Aseru Sara may have lost the election because she looks very different from the person in ‘her posters’’ as Per the security guard I found in one of the polling stations. How true is this statement?

6. What would Bwowe Ivan be doing if he had lost the election?

a)      Fidgeting with course work week (nanti he is in law school)

b)      In court somewhere filling a petition.

c)       Carrying on with his life.

d)      Asking for a dead year.

7. The list of names and contacts of the newly elected university guild cabinet members was yesterday pinned up on the various college notice boards. Bwowe Ivan is a member of the Warid family. What does this say about him?

8. Bwowe Ivan appointed one of his competitors in the Guild presidential race as his vice president. What lessons should Besigye and Museveni, as well as the rest of you learn from this act.

9. Will the strikes and use of tear gas increase or decrease during Mr. Bwowe’s term of office?

a) I really can’t say.

b) The bazungu cut aid, University funds can no longer be wasted on purchasing tear gas.

c)  Of course it will increase.

10. Do you think Ivan Bwowe and his cabinet member read campus ninjas?

a) Yes.

b) Yes.

c) If they donnot, i will force them to.

d) All the above answers.

bye.

THE HOLIDAY PLAN

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Many of you have been emailing us, sending us direct messages and even writing us letters sending love and expressing concern because of our prolonged silence with the main questions being ‘Muli wa?’ ‘What happened to you guys?’ ‘ Did you go to visit the ninja turtles?’ and the one which personally killed me, ‘Mwe, did Liam Neeson find you and kill you? I wouldn’t be surprised. You people are too funny.’ I wonder why those messages did not come with mobile money or a bucket of KFC chicken. That is a story of another day.

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we are here

Well, I apologize for the silence. We did not go to visit the ninja turtles and by now you have obviously figured out that Liam Neeson has not yet/will not find us and kill us. We have been quiet because of many reasons which include laziness, laziness, laziness, writer’s block, laziness, writer’s block, laziness, laziness, no motivation, laziness and laziness. Also, sometimes in life, people take time off to reflect on things I pray that you find it in your hearts to forgive us. I am pretty sure God (or his son) said “Forgive” somewhere in the Bible. If you do not want, go and die.

I hope Christmas was amazing. Anyway, here is the holiday plan.

a)      Non MUK student, laugh at MUK students as they do their exams

Makerere university students are doing exams in the period of the year which would otherwise be a holiday because this is a problems of boona ba soome universities. Hahhahahahahahhhahahahahha. Yup, laugh at them. Laugh at them in the morning. Laugh at them in the afternoon. Laugh at them in the evening. Laugh at them in the night time. Hey, even laugh at them via whatsapp (why not?). Ask your siblings to take pictures of yourself while sleeping (pay them if you must), post them on Facebook under the album “No exams” you will create  and  then tag every MUK student you know in the pictures. For you cool people with Instagram, please, do not feel left out. Post useless pictures and use the hash tags #ThatIsWhatYouGetForStriking #NoExamsForUs #Suffer #nyeeee. While you are at it, do not let Liam Neeson find you. He will kill you.

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laugh

b)      Project save the CGPA

Now , you MUK students, the plan is to save your CGPA. Now, now…..do not act like you have not been giving and receiving dubs the entire semester in Panamera. We be there together (lol). Grab them hand outs and READ.

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oh boy

c)       Act summer ish

I do not know about you, but whenever I go home from campus, my parents are always commenting on how I have changed for example ‘You have lost weight’ (Well, duh.  Giving dubs is certainly a work out) nebilala. Anyway, that is your window of opportunity to throw an American accent in the mix. Also, when it begins to drizzle, grab a fur coat, boots and smoke a cigarete to feel warm. Go on. Get with it.

d)      Help someone in need

We (at campus ninjas) did not write an article on how to spread love this Christmas season. I therefore doubt that many of you did charitable things this festive season apart from feeding your intestinal worms. Anyway, they say better late than never right? I therefore encourage you to go ahead and help someone in need preferably any one with bad breath near you. The number of people with bad breath on campus is on the rise yo. How? You say. You can buy for them  packets of gum, tooth paste, and pink tooth brushes for the girls. Uganda thanks you.

 

e)      Tell someone about campus ninjas

This one is self-explanatory.

 Do not forget to use condoms. Do not drink and drive. Take care of yourselves.

Bye.

 

THE NIGHT

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On Friday 20th December 2013, Smirnoff Uganda held their party of the year, ‘The Night’, at Garden city rooftop Kampala under the theme ‘Rumble in the Jungle’.

Wait. The night? Which night?

No. As in, their party is called ‘The Night’

Oh. So what about?

Continue reading.

THE BUILD UP

The build up to the event just like the build up to any event in Kampala today was characterized by 101% FOMO. I am not talking about ordinary FOMO. I am talking about the i-will-surely-burst-into-flames-if-i-do-not-get-an-invite FOMO.

THE EVENT

The party started at 6:00pm

6:00pm?

Yes, 6:00pm. Nga when the sun is still there. Yes, when chicken are going to sleep, but munange that is how cool people do their things.

Anyway, tell us about the party….

  • ·         There were lots of pretty girls wearing little clothes. It was as if the Kampala Chics Association had an emergency meeting and decided that all its members were allowed to wear little clothes (if the members wanted) just in case the mini skirt and other related things bill is signed by the president to become a law. There were also pretty girls not wearing little clothes,

 

  • ·         There were also these girls on the stages wearing white shorts who would twerk occasionally. You have to thank God for girls.

 

  • ·         There were looooooooots of Smirnoff cocktails to choose from and they were free.

 

  • ·         There were fireworks. An outdoor party is not a party if there isn’t any fireworks. Party planners need to understand the power of fireworks. Fireworks can make one accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. Fireworks can make a girl say yes to a marriage proposal from a guy she been curving for years. Point is, fireworks can change your life.

 

  • ·         The setting was on point. Lots of leaves and chimpanzees around. I was a bit disappointed that there event planners did not bring any live animals like we see in the movies. Guess I will have to pay for that trip to the zoo after all.

 

  • ·         The theme of the night was ‘Rumble in the jungle’. One would expect the dress cord to be close to that but trust some Ugandans to come dressed in the colors close to that of our flag.
  • Finally, there was some of the best deejays in town to keep the party going.

Conclusion

It was a wonderful event. In my opinion, it was not epic. It was just a good event. In the future, getting invites to ‘The Night’ will be like the hunger games. I am just glad that I have already had the experience and I will have stories to tell my grandchildren when iPhone 28ses crash.

BELL FIESTA: EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW

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We at campus ninjas, just like many of you have been hearing the buzz on campus about this mbu Lumbox carnival oba Bell fiesta thing. So, we somersaulted (‘back somers’ to be precise)to the East African breweries limited offices, drew our swords and demanded to see the marketing managers, who were (of course) unavailable at that time. We continued ‘back-sommering’ while making ninja sounds until we found a regular chap wearing a bell lager tee. He seemed like he had his act together, so we made first contact.

Campus Ninjas (CN): Hi dude..

Guy: Hello. Can I help you?

CN: Oh yes, we are the campus ninjas and we’ve come to * ‘back sommers’ * ask you a few questions.

Guy: Did you come to ask me questions in particular, or I’m just the guy you settled for?

CN: Establishing the facts, I see. You are the guy we settled for.

Guy: Okay…..shoot

CN: So, Bell fiesta…..

Guy: Yes, Bell fiesta…

CN: Well, what is it?

Guy: it is basically one of the days we organize for the Makerere university students to have fun and celebrate one of the few things which unite them besides strikes and happening- Beer.

CN: I couldn’t agree more. Beer is life. In fact, I think we should ask our university council to include a beer mug, a beer bottle, a tear gas canister and a marabou stork in our university flag. Naye does our university have a flag?

Guy: I wouldn’t know that.

CN: Huh, because why?

Guy: I’m sorry, I do not understand your question.

CN: Oh. Never mind. So, when will this fiesta take place?

Guy: It will take place on Saturday, the 9th of November 2013 at the Makerere university grounds starting at 6:00pm. The pomp this year starts..

CN: Boss wait. You are using big words. Ate pomp? What are those?

Guy: Pomp is an English word which basically means a formal and impressive ceremony.

CN: right…

Guy: And like I was saying, the pomp this year will starts on Friday (8th of November 2013) during the theme night Lumbox kasiki. The theme of the fiesta is beats, balls and beer.

bell

CN: Kati in this pomp, ffe tufunira mu wa?

Guy: Well, there will be lots of pretty girls and beer. There’ll also be lots of activities you can do individually or in groups which include timed dribbling, computer football, inflated goal penalty shoot outs and foosball. Plus, there are prizes to be won like flash disks, jerseys, caps, MP3 players and a grand prize of 400,000 /= for those that display exemplary skills in the ultimate Bell Fiesta thriller, Human Table foosball.

CN: But eh! You have said many things, what if we want to play kwepena or kakebe or duulu?

Guy: I guess we will have to arrange to include that in our next year plans. Feel free to play them though.

CN: Can you guarantee that the boys will receive dubs and receive them in abundance?

Guy: I’m sorry I cannot guarantee that. But I am sure you will receive some. Besides, if you miss out, you can sing along to the song ‘Sejjusa’ as Mun*G performs it.

CN: First wait! Mun*G will be there?

Guy: yes he will. Alongside Big Tril from Baboon forest entertainment. In fact, there will be a wide variety of musical talent on display that day with performances from upcoming musicians, campus artists and influencers, the young hip and bell buzz dancers and many others. Plus there will be live mixes from leading Dj’s the entire night.

CN: But guy, first bonga here…*clenches fist*

Guy: *clenches fist*…….*bongas*

CN: Nga we are going to kuchakala

Guy: Yup! And it is all thanks to bell lager.

CN: So will we be paying any money to attend this fiesta?

Guy: No..no…the bell fiesta is absolutely free. You can visit our face book account and twitter or our website for updates.

CN: Are you on instagram also?

Guy: I beg your pardon?

CN: Never mind. Do you have any last words we should pass on?

Guy: yes. Please remember to enjoy responsibly. Excessive consumption of alcohol is harmful to your health. Alcohol is not for sale to persons under 18 years. Do not drink and drive.

CN:  *’Back sommers’  back to Kikoni *

koona dance

koona dance

#PepsiThor3D? Because why?

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On the 8th of November 2013, Pepsi Uganda will be premiering the movie ‘Thor: The Dark World’ at Cineplex cinema, the hub, in 3D.

PAUSE. Did you say 3D?

Yup! In 3D. As in, you will watch the movie wearing super galubindi as if geeky glasses eating gorillos and sipping a Pepsi because life is good.

But first wait? Thor? Nkebyo? What is this Thor you speak of?

Thor is this guy.

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Some say he is the male Goldilocks. Others say he is the male Rapunzel with biceps and without the hair extensions. Me i don’t know. Let’s just say he is the dude who walks around with a hammer in his hand. Just know he is the guy i showed you in the picture.

So tell us *sips Pepsi* why should we go for this movie anyway?

1.       Because there will be lots and lots of eye candy in the cinema.

2.       Because there are better things in life than sleeping in Olympia hostel and showering with hot water. Thor in 3D is one of those things.

3.       Because you can talk to your neighbor in the cinema with a fake accent. No judgements yo!

4.       Because you have got to maintain your street cred on the twitter streets and the other streets in Kampala you use!

5.       Because you want to relieve the stress the MUK power outage has caused you.

6.       Because Thor’s abs *fans self*. Just in case he takes his amour off. (Ladies can I get a woot! Woot!)

7.        Because who doesn’t want to perfect their British accent? You can learn from Thor. He has a British accent not so?

8.       Because Pepsi loves you.

9.       Because your fresher girlfriend will love you more (trust me)

10.   Because after watching that UCU sex tape (or soap advert), the eyes deserve something better.

11.   Because the eclipse happened.

12.   Because we are living for now.

13.   Because FOMO

14.   Because what if the president shows up and is the chief viewer. I’ve said ‘what if?’

How can i get a ticket?

Well, you go to the ATM, and withdraw your semester faculty allowance. If you are a private sponsored student, use your upkeep. Then, you take a boda and tell the boda guy to take you to Nakumatt the one next to garden city. Then, you go the hub and then you buy….

Noooo as in, *lowers voice* can I get like a free ticket?

Oooohhh! Well yes, Pepsi Uganda is giving out a couple of invites. Here is how you can win one.

1.       Go to a fortune teller and find out whether winning is in your near future.

2.       Offer a sacrifice to any god from Asgard and run around the Makerere university main building painted in the Pepsi colors. Twit pic so we know it is real.

The above steps are just to better your chances of winning. When you are done,

3.       Follow Pepsi Uganda on twirra (@pepsiuganda) and Facebook. I’m not sure if they are on Instagram.

4.       Also follow @campusninjas and tell a buddy about them.

5.       The rest will be easy especially if you performed the first two steps and answer the questions they will be asking you correctly.

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Bye.

 

Thor Joins Makerere University In 3D

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Set in the 21st century, in a little known planet called earth, in the continent of Africa and a Museveni asset called Uganda is this movie.

(Insert Movie Soundtrack here)

Kakatandika Butandisi, Maaso Ku lutimbe,

A young boy is sent to the local university where he will meet the harsh realities of birds shitting on his shirt, he will then be sent to the abyss of prison life when he is assigned to Nkrumah hall, the toilets won’t be working and he will protest but the teargas canister will be thrown in his room!

Katandika butandisi nanti,

The boy slowly learns how to eat rolex and this transforms his life, he dates a girlfriend from the Faculty of Weave Dressers who introduces him to the glamor of campus life, he  starts borrowing from friends and stealing his father’s car to please the girl, he soon finds out the girl has eight retakes

Tunuliira Movie,

In his sixth week at campus, Professor Sumba Dentamu, an age-old grumpy man will ask for 60% of the tuition fees, the boy will have spent it on the girl from the weave dressers faculty and he will instigate the others into a major strike, he pulls out his red gown and breaks a branch from the tree and they begin the march to the main building

Lengeera Action,

‘KABOOM KABOOM KABOOM’ their fat friend farts from behind after seeing a police patrol van arriving, they all run, the boy falls to the ground, he gets up and falls again and gets back up and they are back at the hall sweating profusely and then he sips a PEPSI.

Etabuuse

The world around him changes, he starts to see ………. Only way to find out the ending of this movie is by coming to watch Thor this 8th November in 3D, I repeat 3D at Cineplex Cinema!!!  brought to you proudly by Pepsi Uganda

you just cant miss

you just cant miss

By the way lucky winners, get tickets, I mean follow @pepsiuganda and @campusninjas for chance to get one