Dear freshmens: Orientation 101

First and foremost, I would like to congratulate you upon making it to Uganda’s prestigious boona ba ssome university that is, Makerere.
1. Makerere is nothing like those universities you see on the television (as you will eventually come to realise) but never the less, it is an amazing place.

2. Please leave your slang and high school short hand those ends. Where is ‘those ends’ you ask? You know when you get hold of a map of the solar system? From earth one goes to Mars, Venus, Saturn, and finally Pluto. ‘Those ends’ is way after Pluto, but let’s just say it is at the end of the solar system. Get the picture?

3. Private students, remember the endless lines you made and stood in when applying for a course at the senate building? Well, prepare to stand in more lines. Era invest some money in a hat, some sunscreen and some nice sunglasses.

4. Are you offering law, architecture or medicine (especially law though)? Please carry your metal suitcase (yes, the one you used in form 6) along with you. You will need it to keep and lock up your life as you will not be having one in the four/ five years you will be at uni.

5. It is a real shame that you government sponsored students will not be getting any faculty allowance. Now the only time some of you will ever ‘taste’ free government money is when you get a job in the government and have to swindle public funds.

6. University is a place for making memories so go on, get drunk. Give rubs. Spend the night in bars. Take selfies. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Fall in between love. Puncture the tires of the lecturer who gave you a retake. Run the naked mile.

7. Makerere University is a place for intellectuals? Hahahahahaha *looks right* *looks left* *looks right again* hahhahahahaha. You and your thoughts are so funny bruh. Makerere is a place for bafere who only fill the library in exam week and the likes, and we welcome you.

8. Strikes? Strikes may be fun, but do you know what’s not? Doing exams during the festive season. TRUST ME!

Don't do this, especially in first sem.

Don’t do this, especially in first sem.

9. Please prepare yourselves to be frustrated by things such as few internet ports at your college or department and wifi which as if does not work. Also be ready for lecturers who do not come during the first two months of the semester and pack you with assignments, coursework, research work and tests in the last two weeks of the semester right before exams.

10. Some of you are only here (at Makerere) because you failed to get into a university outside countries. Please, let that not stop you from dressing like a ‘summer’ or acting like one. Many of the girls at varsity are and try to be fashion forward. Trends come and go, which is the general characteristic of the fashion industry. Last semester the uniform was chiffon and oxfords. I do not know what the world of fashion has in store for us this semester, but please be prepared and get with it.

11. Abstain from coitus. When a ‘dirty thought’ creeps into your mind, run to the chapel and spend 3 hours praying for strength. An HIV free generation is possible. It begins with you.

Say no to coitus

Say no to coitus

12. If that fails (probably will), please use condoms. Babies as you all know can either be bought from the super katale or made in other ways such as engaging in coitus or the way Jesus was conceived. Forget this morning after pill nonsense (please use it during emergencies), AIDS is real.

13. Go for prayers. Go to the mosque. Go to church. Go to the temple. Go to wherever your cult meets up every week. You are not too cool for the supernatural bruh.

14. Study hard. It is not cool to have bad grades. It just isn’t.

15. ‘Campus ninjas’ is the coolest blog on campus. Read it. Subscribe to it if you must.

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